i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
