Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
