I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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