Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
