remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
