can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
