ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
