I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
