Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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