you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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