I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
