I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
