i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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