Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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