I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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