Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
