When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
