I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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