Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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