I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
