She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
