so that wasnt chicken after all
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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