I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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