What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
