Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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