I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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