it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
