pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
