my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
