How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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