Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
