Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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