he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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