I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You did what with his pubic hair?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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