I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
