is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
