that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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