I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
