Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
