She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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