So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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