I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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