My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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