Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
