How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
