I just saw a hot homeless man
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
