Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
