I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
