return my video game
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
