Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My bed smells like the plague
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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