Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
